Wow. Chris Cornell, say it ain’t so bro! Another one leaving us to suicide. What makes a beautiful, powerful, impactful soul, take their own life?
Earlier this year, a very popular Tantra teacher in California, Psalm Isadora, also took her life. She was bringing magic into people’s lives in such big ways and dedicating her life to sexual health and awakening. So why?
What makes these suicides more notable then all the rest of them? To me, it shows that, no matter what it looks like, no matter how shiny the exterior, people are battling their demons every day. So these 2 are great examples, that happiness is not “out there”, in perceived “success”, but more sourced from within.
How could these 2 individuals with all this light around them take their own life? And why do we sometimes try to glide over that the cause of death is suicide? Shame? Shame of what seems to be an insurmountable sadness that forces someone into the furthest edges of the rational world?
I want to share because I think if we speak, others won’t feel as alone, because everyone is going through something worthy of escaping from.
Many of you will probably be surprised, but I have also battled with suicidal tendencies since high school, being brought to the brink at least a couple times. I have prayed for death. The result: cancer. My get out of jail free card, as i saw it.
So why? I can only speak for myself.
I feel. I feel everything. Some things regarding to myself, other things regarding to others, some from people I don’t even fucking know. It is a gift and a curse. It is so attuned, that sometimes I even feel what is coming up before it even happens, and feel, before I can even understand what I am feeling.
This has often time put me in bouts with depression. I don’t understand. I don’t know anything. Why am I here? What does it all mean? Even when I am doing my best, the world seems to be falling around me. So what is the fucking point of being here anyway? Why don’t I just go back to source, where I can be at ONE again and not have to feel?
Ouffff, what a topic. I need to keep it short to keep your attention. Bear with me. 🙂
So why am I still here? I picked up a few things along the way.
#1 I am here, I have no choice. I was put here for a reason. So what to do?
Do the only thing that means anything: Show up in the best version of myself, that I can, as much as possible, and where i under-deliver, stay aware, attentive, and open to improving. This is all I can fucking do. From there, the rest will play out, but at least I am in right relationship with my soul, while in manifest form.
#2 The first time I did ISTA Level 2 with Bruce Lyon, I had a shift in consciousness. I had a huge realization that suicide just could no longer be a part of my reality, as it will affect my vibrational footprint and effect my life in consequence.
But it was Komala Lyra, who in my second ISTA Level 2 just recently in Guatemala, that anchored this concept of why stay here? Komala succinctly described the idea of escaping from manifest reality (duality), by yearning to return to “Oneness” through suicide as an impossible realization.
This intense need to escape and leave here and now, is pulled by the soul’s call to wanting to be in ecstatic Oneness with all, the interconnection of energy and source force.
As Komala explained, buying a ticket to Oneness, by getting on a train of Duality and Separation is impossible. “You will never get there.” Everything about suicide is in the realm of duality: me, my soul, my emotions, life, death, killing, who is doing the killing, for what purpose…the mind is engaged. Duality. The ceremonial intention to return to Oneness is littered with duality. “So, live your life. If you have a death wish, live it bigger than ever, and see where that takes you. But live it, and live it fully, from the core of your heart!”
I don’t know how all this is landing with you, but to me it unlocked the concept of my divine, gifted time, I have here, and that every feeling and emotion, is a gift. Every heart break, every longing, every broken expectation, every laugh, every cuddle, every orgasm, is all a gift. A gift that brings us back to the realm of experience. Oneness sounds blissful, but i don’t think it will feel like anything more than *everything all at once*. So while we are here, engage the singular experience of feelings, and emotions, and allow them to put you on a path of self discovery, and soul alignment.
This is why I can live so boldly. This is why I can speak my mind so clearly. This is my time. This is the blessing I was gifted with, and there is no person, no culture, no authority, that will tone me down, because my soul speaks to me and tells me that I was put here to SHINE, and it is my divine responsibility to use this time, while i am here and gifted with it, to open my HEART, to FIND MY BLISS and SHINE. And there is no way to make that happen if I am more focused on what others will think of me if I live out my bold truth.
With love, respect, and gratitude for all and those souls who felt the need to go, instead of living it out here with the rest of us. You are great teachers.