On Fear and Living

Written by on October 17, 2021

I have a confession. I’m afraid.
Yes. I get scared.

Fear, anxiety and paranoia run in my family. It is part of our epigenetics. I often find myself worried about this or about that. Stupidity most of the time. Regardless it leaks energy. It is so annoying. I stalk this shadow and I watch it closely.

I know you watch me go and probably think, fuck this guy is fearless. Wrong!

I am afraid, a lot. Of losing freedom and mobility. Of leaving home and everything I knew and moving in the unknown.

I am afraid every time I get on my steel horse and have to drive 400+ miles in a day for 4 days in a row. I’m afraid when overtaking semi’s, I’m afraid when it rains and I have a long run ahead of me like today. I’m afraid everyday that I am doing this journey alone.

Fear has the potential to keep me stuck or frozen. This is where my story with fear ends.

I refuse to stop living my life fully, on the basis of fear. When fear stifles me, it feels more like death than life.

I have committed to live life based on the call of my inner most sanctum. To walk the path less travelled, not because I need to be the rebel, but because if I don’t, I numb my life, my essence, my spirit.

I cheat my soul from the very reason it came here. To feel, to sense, to emote, to celebrate. Fear kills all of that.

I move the way I do, not because I lack fear, but because I’m terrified and I move forward anyway. This is courage.

Courage is my most loyal companion. It picks me up when I am down and it moves me forward when I am stuck.

Courage comes from the “rage” of the “heart” (Coeur in French); when the heart refuses to take any bullshit anymore. Not my own. Not of others.

It is the rage, or fire raging in the heart that moves me into action. That gives me voice when others are silent, or that wakes me up for another day, and another 400 mile run into the unknown.

Courage. I would be nothing without it, for life is for the living and fear is for the walking dead!

I feel so blessed these days. I feel the love of tribe. I feel love from strangers. I feel love and appreciation for myself. For the long path journeyed, for the obstacles, stumbles and failures. All have made me stronger and more courageous.

If you think anything about me, know that I am afraid, and I move forward anyway. I can do this now more than ever because I have come to the deep surrender and understanding that I really don’t control anything. I am but an extension of the most high and I walk the path I am guided to walk.

But most importantly, I TRUST. I trust that all that is happening is for my greatest awakening and expansion. Every gift, every misfortune, every challenge. I no longer question. I trust that if it is happening to me, it is because there is something I need to see and learn. And with that, I can surrender to the moment.

Courage and trust, my most precious allies.

Goodnight my friends. Thank you for reading and following.


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